Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

A boundary is a limit you set around what you are comfortable with and what you are prepared to accept.

Personal boundaries can relate to:

• physical space

• touch

• conversation

• personal information

• where you go

• what you do

• who you spend time with

Different people will have different boundaries.

You are allowed to have yours.

Recognising when a boundary is being crossed

Sometimes it is obvious.

Someone touches you after you have asked them to stop or continues moving closer after you have asked for space.

At other times, it may begin with a feeling of discomfort.

You might find yourself thinking:

“They’re standing too close.”

“I don’t want to answer that.”

“I don’t want to go with them.”

“I want this conversation to end.”

You do not need to wait until somebody else agrees that your boundary is reasonable before responding.

Make the boundary clear

Where it is appropriate and safe to do so, communicate clearly.

You might say:

“No.”

“Stop.”

“Please step back.”

“Don’t touch me.”

“I’m leaving now.”

“Stay back.”

“Leave me alone.”

Your message does not need a long explanation.

In some situations, trying to soften your message can make it less clear.

Your actions should support your words

Boundaries are not only verbal.

Imagine somebody is repeatedly moving closer to you.

You say:

“Please give me some space.”

You can also step back or move towards a safer position.

If they move closer again, you now have additional information.

They have not simply misunderstood where you wanted them to stand. They have continued the behaviour after you made your boundary clear.

Think back to what we have already covered:

Context.

Combinations.

Persistence.

Patterns.

How somebody responds to your boundary can help you decide what to do next.

Be careful about getting drawn into an argument

You do not always need to convince someone that your boundary is reasonable.

Imagine somebody says:

“Why? I haven’t done anything.”

You do not have to enter a debate.

Repeating a simple message may be more appropriate:

“I said no.”

“Please step back.”

“I’m leaving.”

If it is safe to leave, you can leave.

The aim is not to win the argument.

The aim is to maintain your boundary and protect your options.

A boundary does not guarantee compliance

Telling somebody to stop does not mean they will.

This is why boundaries should form part of your wider dynamic risk assessment.

If somebody ignores a clear boundary, consider what that tells you about the situation.

Ask yourself:

Are they respecting my decision?

Is their behaviour becoming more persistent?

Is the distance between us reducing?

Are my options becoming more limited?

Should I disengage or leave?

You do not always have to say something

There may be situations where verbally challenging somebody could increase the risk.

You are not required to announce every boundary.

If somebody’s behaviour concerns you and you have an opportunity to move away safely, you can simply move.

Changing seats, crossing the road, joining your friends, entering a shop or leaving an area can all establish distance without confrontation.

Choose the response that is appropriate for the situation.

NOTICE → THINK → ACT

NOTICE

Am I becoming uncomfortable?

Is someone crossing a boundary?

What happens when I create distance or say no?

THINK

Do I need to communicate clearly?

Would saying something help or make things worse?

Can I move?

Can I leave?

ACT

Set the boundary.

Create distance.

Repeat the boundary if appropriate.

Disengage.

Leave if you can.

Get help when necessary.

A boundary is not about controlling somebody else’s behaviour.

It is about deciding what you are prepared to accept and what you will do if that boundary is crossed.