Disengagement and Leaving

Not every difficult situation needs to be resolved.

Sometimes the safest and most appropriate thing you can do is end the interaction and leave.

Disengagement means deliberately stopping your involvement in a situation before it develops further.

It might involve ending a conversation, creating distance, moving towards other people or leaving the area completely.

You don’t have to stay

People sometimes remain in uncomfortable situations because they feel they need a good reason to leave.

They may think:

“I don’t want to be rude.”

“Maybe I’m overreacting.”

“I’ll just give it another minute.”

“I need to explain why I’m leaving.”

These thoughts can become inhibitors.

You do not need to wait for somebody to become threatening before deciding that you no longer want to be there.

End the conversation

Where communication is appropriate, a short and clear statement may be enough:

“I need to go.”

“I’m leaving now.”

“This conversation is over.”

“Please leave me alone.”

Avoid getting drawn into explaining or defending your decision if you do not need to.

Someone may ask:

“Why are you leaving?”

You don’t necessarily have to answer.

Your priority is leaving safely, not gaining their agreement.

Move while you communicate

If you have decided to leave, think about what your body is doing as well as what you are saying.

Where appropriate, begin moving towards your exit or a safer position.

Maintain distance.

Avoid allowing yourself to become trapped.

Keep aware of what the other person is doing.

If they move with you, block your route or continue following you, reassess the situation.

Their response has given you new information.

Don’t let an argument pull you back

Disengagement can become difficult when somebody continues trying to involve you.

They may:

• ask more questions

• challenge what you have said

• insult you

• try to provoke a response

• demand an explanation

• suddenly become apologetic

• try to restart the conversation

You do not have to respond to every comment.

Continuing to argue may keep you in a situation you have already decided to leave.

Sometimes the best response is no response.

Move towards safety

Leaving does not simply mean moving away from someone.

Think about where you are moving to.

Where possible, move towards:

• other people

• friends or colleagues

• staff

• security

• an open business

• a staffed transport area

• a well-lit public place

• somewhere you can get help

Remember:

Don’t just know where you’re going. Know where you could go.

If someone prevents you from leaving

If somebody deliberately blocks your route, follows you or prevents you from leaving, the situation has changed.

Do not concentrate on winning an argument with them.

Look for other options.

Could you:

• use another exit?

• move towards other people?

• attract attention?

• ask a specific person for help?

• contact the emergency services if necessary?

Continue to reassess what is happening and choose the safest option available to you.

Asking for help

If you need help, being specific can make your request clearer.

Instead of hoping somebody notices that you are uncomfortable, you might say:

“Can you stay with me for a moment?”

“That person is following me. Can I wait here?”

“Please call the police.”

“Can you help me get to somewhere safe?”

What you ask for will depend on the situation.

If there is an immediate danger or a crime is taking place, contact the emergency services when it is safe and possible to do so.

Leaving is not losing

Walking away does not mean somebody else has won.

Personal safety is not about proving that you are tougher, stronger or right.

If leaving removes you from a developing threat, it has achieved exactly what you needed it to achieve.

The best confrontation may be the one you never have.

NOTICE → THINK → ACT

NOTICE

Is this interaction still useful?

Is the situation becoming more uncomfortable?

Are my boundaries being ignored?

THINK

Do I need to stay?

Where is my safest exit?

Where could I go?

What will I do if the person follows me?

ACT

End the interaction.

Create distance.

Move towards safety.

Leave.

Get help if necessary.

You do not need to wait until a situation becomes dangerous before leaving it.

Acting early keeps more options available.